In a therapy session, my mum says that she felt no warmth in this family. I knew for a long time that there are some problems in this family, but I just cannot prove it, I always thought that it exists in my mind, not in my parents. Now, here is a clear evidence that I am not in a delusion or some teenage angst.
There is also one revelation that I found, that my parents don’t talk to each other a lot, except via Whatsapp. I always thought that they have behind the scenes communications, but even this behind the scenes are cold. I don’t know why my parents stopped talking to each other. This may be due to miscommunications in the past, or buzyness. Or, it could be related to my dad not being aware of ways to be more human and show some warmth, just like someone with asperger. I read that Aspergers usually have angry partners, because their partners don’t feel the warmth as aspie don’t communicate like others. They don’t know how to show love the normal way.
Needless to say, my relationship with my parents are very rocky to begin with. My teenage outbursts have seemed unreasonable to everyone, but they don’t know that in a family raised as mine, you would go crazy too. My parents tried very hard to show that this is a normal family, by not discussing the issues. This had gone so well that I do not know they do think there are problems until we are in a family therapy.
It has always been awkward to show warmth to each other in this family. We would feel awkward eating together, showing kindness to each other. If somehow my parents are in hospital, I would just stay at home, doing my own stuff, while my relatives busy themselves over my parents. There seems to be a disconnect between us. Why is this? Is it my problem?
There are problems that had happened in the past, that my parents do not try to mend, or do not know how. The past events had led to freeze communications, over time, it had become norm. Occasionally, I see some evidence that there is indeed problems through these breezy times, like I would not care if my parents had been very sick. I do not even know how to say a sentence of kindness to them anymore.
Perhaps I could bring you to my past. I was raised at my hometown by my grandparents. My parents worked in the city. Why this decision? Is it a norm to give your children to your parents to be raised instead of own self? In the therapy, my dad confessed that since young, they did not talk about any personal issues they faced with us, and I of course, do not confide in them. I believe this somewhat leads to my current predicament. They believe that adult issues should not be bothered by children. But, often times, children do know that there are problems in the family, but the parents just keep their lips tight, this has a backfiring potential where the children would imagine worse things.
Now, to my brother. He had spoken 0 times with my parents and I over the years. He is in a much worse situation than I am. My brother will have outbursts too, breaking things, making loud slamming noises with the door, terrorizing the family. I can sense that my brother has a deep sense of resentment towards my parents.