Feel the fear and do it anyway

I will share 5 truths from the book to you:

TRUTH 1
THE FEAR WILL NEVER GO AWAY
AS LONG AS I CONTINUE TO GROW.

TRUTH 2
THE ONLY WAY TO GET RID OF THE FEAR
OF DOING SOMETHING IS TO GO OUT AND DO IT.

TRUTH 3
THE ONLY WAY TO FEEL BETTER ABOUT MYSELF
IS TO GO OUT . . . AND DO IT.

TRUTH 4
NOT ONLY AM I GOING TO EXPERIENCE FEAR WHENEVER
I’M ON UNFAMILIAR TERRITORY, BUT SO IS EVERYONE ELSE.

TRUTH 5
PUSHING THROUGH FEAR IS LESS FRIGHTENING THAN
LIVING WITH THE UNDERLYING FEAR THAT COMES
FROM A FEELING OF HELPLESSNESS.

Truth 4 gives you comfort, because everyone else faced fear when they are doing unfamiliar things. What differentiates those that felt crippling fear and excitement is whether you approach it from position of helplessness or power. Fear faced by everyone is comforting because we are not alone in this (one of the element of self compassion is shared humanity).

Truth 5 resonates with me because I have been avoiding stuffs lately, and the sense of helplessness it caused me made me worse than if I face my fear directly.

What I am going to do after going out of psychiatric ward

  • Improve socially via practice – smile, laugh, make people comfortable
  • Make close friends.
  • Job.
  • Degree.
  • Make my life interesting.
  • Make AI for psychiatrist.
  • Spend 50% time outside.
  • Play
  • Travel
  • Girlfriend
  • Happy outlook – surround with normal people
  • Try to break the envelope – try a new tone, new experience
  • Stop avoiding
  • Do silly things
  • Independent
  • Be good at what you do – blog, program
  • Approach people
  • Join group
  • Enjoy your extrovert time so that you can enjoy your introvert time
  • Read books around people such as coffeeshop and act normal.
  • Talk, making mistakes are crucial to advancement.
  • Get a good role model, or interactions that you can learn from
  • Quiet and soft can be good
  • Good storytelling does not have to be loud
  • You don’t have to be good to everyone, just try your best to have a few that you can laugh at.

4 days stay at University Malaya Psychiatric Ward

Day 1 and Day 2

I came to University Malaya Medical Center emergency ward at 3am. I am distressed that I cannot socialize in group, loud, fun, spontaneous, felt left out during church fellowship. I waited in the Bilik Lili, a male nurse came and asks me why I’m here and the medicines I am taking. Then, the psychiatrist, Dr. Marini came and asks me why I’m here and then talk to my dad privately to tally my account. My dad says the psychiatrist says I have to be admitted to the ward because I may injure myself.

The nurse took my blood and put a blood plug on my hand and I am wheeled to the psychiatric ward. It was 4am. While I am at my bed, in front of me, there’s an uncle. The uncle is a chinese with muslim wife. I slept and woke up at 8am. They served me bread with red bean and butter. Later, they will ask me what I want to eat for lunch and dinner. I changed into the blue patient clothes and the pants are hard to tie.

My neighbours are the chinese alcoholic guy, an indian male about my age, Dinesh, which has Schizophrenia. He always walk around and stops. There are only about 12 patients and some nurses. We can only walk within the red lines at both ends of the ward. The visiting hours are 3pm to 7pm. I try to make friends. Some student doctors talk to me, asking me routine questions. There is a student doctor named Johnny which is friendly, he told me he is an extreme introvert but am flexible, he dislikes orientation also and labeled as asocial but he has his stand. He talks to me for about 2 hours. He spends 80% of the time alone but is “kiasu”, so spends Sunday taking case histories to increase his case history taking skills. He says that he could sit at the bed beside me because I am too normal.

There is also a Chinese student doctor which looks like Dr. Vincent who take histories from me. He looks like an introvert and rarely smiles. My parents brought shampoo, towels, biscuits, colgate, sandals, and some books for me. At night, someone took my blood pressure. There is a room behind which supposedly we can play carom, draw, and stuff.

The chinese muslim guy has alcoholic, which causes delirium, can see hallucination. Professor brought a bunch of students here to observe him.

There are some politics in the ward. Food sharing brough by relatives are pieces of power. Not to mention cigarette. Mental health is defined as the state where you functioning is not impaired. The nurses likes to chat, some laugh a lot. The patients spend time chatting also. The student doctor says I am quite sane.

The nurses here are friendly, learn to small talk like them. I bathe once a day but some people no bath, messy hair.

Day 3

Slept not very well. Knew a friend known as Adidas. He talked to Redzuan (Chinese alcoholic guy). He works at hotel and wife works in this hospital. I borrowed my sweater to him because he was cold. He has bipolar.

A male Indian psychiatrist talks to me. Everyone is unique. Everyone has strengths. Not everyone can be outgoing. Don’t act outgoing, are you being outgoing or acting outgoing? What happens during childhood and now? Didn’t learn adult communication? Feel sad and hopeless most of the time. Don’t like my personality now. Why did I take Ritalin?

Two medical students came and see me. Fourth and third year. I talked about my past quitting or avoiding as coping mechanism. There is activity behind the ward. I like the activity and exercise. The exercise makes me happy.

Day 4

Another student doctor interviews me. I’m considered the most sane person here.

I find student doctor life interesting, they are good at learning at becoming a doctor. Maybe I can bring this spirit to the programmer world.

Redzuan says I treat the student doctors very well after I told him I have social problems and maybe will discharge today.

Psychiatrist visit again: bought a book

Dr. Vincent says that he read my blog post about my chat with pastor.

Dr. Vincent says I have to be myself, there are things that cannot be changed, but some can be improved. He says that for example, he sees that other doctors that are more charismatic, he cannot be that, being own self is enough. He says he likes to deep talk too.

He says that I have some Asperger traits such as emotional sensitivity, lack of emotional expression. Being  mistreated as an aspie is not my fault, sometimes its the society’s ignorance of mental conditions.

He says that I have more expression today. I think because I tried to be light and fun. I also have to focus on non verbal communication.

He showed me a book “My Battle With Depression” by local author Irene Tan and sold it to me for RM10.

"My Battle with Depression" by Irene Tan
“My Battle with Depression” by Irene Tan

Chat with pastor

Today I had a good chat with Pastor. I told him about psychiatrist saying I have asperger, pastor says its just a label, you still have to move on with life.

And he says that social don’t need so many rules. If you want to improve socially, you have to go to real social situation, not practicing in front of computer.

Also, he says that I spent way too much time in front of computer, need to spend more time social with real people, not online chat.

He says that the reason why my social skills are not very good is because maybe my dad and mom’s relationship are not that good or I spent too much time in front of computer.

I could also use some humour in conversation. I have low self confidence and no initiate topic. He also point out that I care too much of what other people think.

He also said that I don’t look like someone with autism (自闭症).

Since I am behind academically from my friends, I felt self doubt, but pastor says its not too late, he started preaching at age 30, now with 6 years experience.

At last, he said I can visit him once a week if I want to.

The things I am happy about this week

  • I talked more and deeply with parents. My mom used to felt ignored when she talks to me but I now respond to her. Also, I found both of my parents interesting.
  • I shared what music I like (Big Bang, Jay Chou), and my dad shared the old music that he liked.
  • My dad brought me to two very good banana leaf Indian restaurant. We went for movies, MATTA fair, cybercafe, random places.
  • I started to smile in front of my parents.
  • I verbalize my problems (such as overthinking) to my parents and they gave good advice such as stop thinking about it in a caring tone. I feel like I can depend on them for help.
  • I lists out all the friends I currently have, and I realised that I do have lots of friends. My friends liked my posts, I always thought they disliked me after meetups. They also offer to have future meetup with me.
  • I also know who I want to be, more light hearted, express more emotion, open to experience, spend time have fun with family and friends.
  • I also want to thank my doctor and therapist for various help they offer when I seek their help.
  • And I decide to go back to my old church tomorrow, its been 6 years, some may have forgotten me, some may be surprised to see me, some may be happy that I am back, I miss them.

Debate resources

  • IntelligenceSquared Debates – YouTube
  • iqsquared – YouTube
  • Intelligence Squared
  • Oxford Union – YouTube
  • ConvinceMe – Debate Online
  • Debate Online – Social Networking Site for Debating – Debate.org
  • Debate website — Theworlddebating – Just debate
  • Debatewise – Where great minds differ Where great minds differ
  • ForandAgainst.com – The Best Place to State Your Case
  • Home – IQ2 Debates
  • idebate.org
  • iPidato – Premier Debate Site

Does your environment limit your potential?

I have this worry for some time, that my potential will be diminished due to outside forces such as families, political situation, economic situation, loss of passion.

In my mind, all outside forces have to be perfect for my potential to grow. But this is wrong.

In The Talent Code: Unlocking the Secret of Skill in Sports, Art, Music, Math, and Just About Anything, the author noted that geniuses and talents exist no matter the economic or political situation, be it war, famine, death, church control, etc, talents are still there. Why?

Because we are blaming on the wrong things. These are all non factors, what matters the most is what you do, do you deep practice everyday? That is, fire your neurons to form the network. The network is what talent is about, myelinated neurons. If you do, your talent will rise, no matter where you are. Most of the talents the author found belongs to “chicken feed Harvard”, not an impressive place where big expensive building and facilities are available, but produces great talents.

I would say, stop complaining, and focus on honing your skills, those are the things that matter more.

Places I have been

singaporean-flag-small

CNY 2016 Singapore Trip 3 days 2 nights (6/2/2016 – 8/2/2016)

Participants

  • Mum, Dad, Uncle, Second Aunt, Brother, and I

Singapore CNY Trip 2016


Flag_of_Hong_Kong.svg

Hong Kong 4 days 3 nights (28/8/2015 – 31/8/2015)

http://www.reliancetravel.com/
https://forum.lowyat.net/topic/2779821 – All About Hong Kong V4, A place to share things about Hong Kong (Travel)

Souvenir for wymond – potato chips that are not sold in Malaysia (DONE)

Extra things to bring

  • Lonely planet book
  • Xiaoyi cam recorder

Participants

  • Mum, Second Aunt, I

Photos and videos


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Genting 3 days 2 nights (18/8/2015 – 20/8/2015)

Participants

  • I (Alone)

Extra things to bring

  • Sweater

Tips

  • Buy bus ticket and skyway at One Utama, buy return ticket too

Flag_of_Hong_Kong.svg

Hong Kong 7 days 6 nights (Dec/2010)

Participants

  • Uncle, Second Aunt, Big Aunt and families, Brother, and I.